A personal perspective on intercultural understanding
I recently came across a post on social media that made me pause and reflect.
The post described discomfort with being expected to reply “Amen” when a Protestant mother-in-law ended phone calls that way, and framed this as a serious conflict after marriage.
Religion is deeply personal, and feelings of discomfort should never be dismissed.
However, what stood out to me was how the issue was framed, and when it became a problem.
Was This Really Unexpected?
From the post, it was clear that the husband was Protestant, and that his mother was also deeply religious.
If someone says “Amen” even at the end of phone calls, it is reasonable to assume that prayer and religious language are part of daily family life.
Prayers before meals, expressions of faith during family gatherings, and religious greetings are not usually hidden.
That led me to wonder:
Wasn’t this already visible while they were dating?
This is not about blaming anyone.
It is about whether enough thought was given beforehand to what everyday life would actually look like after marriage.
Marriage Across Cultures Involves More Than Two People
When you form a deep relationship with someone from another country or cultural background, you are not only connecting with that individual.
You are also, inevitably, engaging with:
- family customs
- religious expressions
- unspoken social expectations
This is neither good nor bad.
It is simply reality.
In many cases, conflict arises not from religion itself, but from a lack of imagination about how that religion appears in ordinary, everyday situations.
My Own Experience With a Christian Friend
I have a close friend who is Christian.
We have known each other for over twenty years, and religion has never caused conflict between us.
When I visit her home and share a meal, she prays according to her faith.
In that setting, I say “Amen” together with her.
I am not Christian—I am Buddhist—and she knows this clearly.
When my grandmother passed away, she sent white chrysanthemums, which are customary flowers in Buddhist mourning.
That gesture showed deep respect for my beliefs, just as I respect hers.
Our relationship works not because one of us gives up our identity, but because we acknowledge it.
Context Changes Everything
One important detail is that behavior naturally changes depending on the setting.
When we eat out at a restaurant, the approach is different.
Public spaces are not always suitable for long spoken prayers.
In those situations, she often says,
“Let’s each pray in our own way,” and we begin the meal.
She offers a brief, quiet Christian prayer to herself.
I simply say “Itadakimasu” and start my meal.
“Itadakimasu” is not a religious prayer.
It is a Japanese expression of gratitude—toward the food itself, toward nature, and toward everyone who made the meal possible.
There is no pressure, no correction, and no sense that one way is superior to the other.
This sensitivity to context—home versus public space, private faith versus shared manners—is what allows our relationship to remain peaceful and respectful.
There Is No Single Correct Answer
This article reflects my personal perspective only.
Others may feel differently, and that is completely valid.
However, when entering a relationship that crosses cultural or religious boundaries, there are moments when
“I didn’t think about it” is no longer enough.
Rather than asking who is right or wrong, it may be more helpful to ask:
Did both people truly understand what they were stepping into?
When you visit Japan, you may notice a flexible attitude toward religion.
This flexibility is not about uncertainty or indifference.
It is about harmony—wa—and finding ways to live together with mutual respect.
Mutual respect does not require uniform behavior.
It requires awareness, imagination, and a willingness to meet each other halfway.
When a couple finds themselves arguing over something as small as saying “Amen,”
it makes me wonder whether the relationship itself is already under strain.
In a healthy marriage, differences like this are often absorbed with perspective or quiet understanding.
When they turn into serious conflict, it may suggest that deeper issues already exist beneath the surface.
That is why I cannot help but imagine that the road ahead for such a marriage may be difficult.
▶︎Itadakimasu and Gochisousama: Understanding Japanese Dining Etiquette
